Last week, as we were still celebrating the big gold medal win of the USA men's Olympic hockey team, President Trump surprised us all by attempting to filibuster the State of the Union Address and then promptly bombing Iran, killing the brutal Islamic dictator best known for his bushy eyebrows, love of poetry, and murdering countless Iranians during his reign. This turn of events seemed to be taken in stride by the rest of the world, though it left the Islamic Republic of Iran in need of a new top guy. According to the few living insiders, the problem was solved when Mohammad Khoemeinei was late for a meeting to choose the next Ayatollah. Since he was missing, the remnants of the Islamic Caliphate quickly voted Mohammad in as Supreme Leader. He then snuck into the meeting, hoping no one would notice, but the entire assembly quickly retreated to bow down to him from a far corner of the room just in case a missile should happen to fall upon him. Initially flattered, Mohammad then had a change of heart and begged for the wonderful honor to go to someone else more deserving. However, the surviving members of the Islamic State insisted he was the most deserving because he was late to the meeting and also because his name kind of fit. At press time Supreme Leader Mohammad Khoemeinei was reportedly penning a poem about the brevity of life.