Reports came in last week from off the coast of wherever Venezuela is that President Trump had authorized the U.S. military to seize an oil tanker guilty of violating sanctions, but what has gone unreported until now is that Trump also authorized the seizure of a tanker of Venezuelan Extreme Hold High Shine hair gel bound for California. The gel tanker was seized by Navy Seals specifically trained for sticky missions in what California Governor Gavin Newsom is calling a really mean attack on a political opponent. President Trump defended the seizure, saying Newsom shouldn't have tried to slip in the petroleum based gel made from pure Venezuelan oil when his hair could have looked just fine with good old American hair gel, like he only uses good old American tanning spray. Trump doubled down calling Newsom a 'pretty boy traitor,' 'loser' and 'not even that handsome.' Without the ability to maintain his signature slick used car salesman look, Newsom's presidential ambitions are now in jeopardy.