On the heels of an incredible victory in the Middle East, a terrible tragedy is unfolding in the White House as President Trump's skin is becoming pale from lack of bronzer. Due to the government shutdown, the Capitol Hill Bronzer Salon's expert staff has been unable to work their magic upon our 47th president's ruggedly handsome face leading many to cry for an end to this senseless nightmare. Trump stoically urged the Republicans in Congress to stand strong, no matter the cost. At press time, RFK Jr. had recommended Trump chug a gallon of carrot juice a day and spend hours standing in the sun with a layer of beef tallow on his face for a more natural, healthy glow.